Dispatches from Fisherman’s Wharf: Holiday Edition

It’s Christmas time, that time of year when you’re reminded how much you love living in Chicago because that place where you originate from is so casually racist. You’ve got to go home for the holiday with gifts in tow…so here’s a list of stuff your family will love.

Note: Christmas isn’t about giving or receiving, it’s about winning. Here’s your playbook!

Holiday Room (amazing)

ABC Jingle Balls Holiday Party 2015 at Chop Shop/1st Ward. Party, indeed.

For the parents who stayed together: They’re gonna love this…BUTCHERY CLASS! American Bocce Co. partner Chop Shop/1st Ward offers butchery classes. Is there a better way to take out years of frustration than breaking down something that used to be alive…like their love for each other? The classes are reasonably priced, and you’ll get a free dinner out of it because they have to come to your neighborhood to do this. Check it off the list.

For a single/divorced father: take him somewhere he likes. That’s all he wants…someone to be near him while he stares alternately into the distance and into his beer while he exhales a lot. He’ll really appreciate it. He won’t tell you, but you’ll know. Check it off the list.

For a single/divorced mother: one of those drink-wine-and-paint-shit-with-her-friends classes. She’ll love it. She’ll probably give you the painting as a repayment gift. She’ll have a good night out with her friends, and you’ll have a new tree or skyline painting that you’re too lazy to take off your wall. Check it off the list.

For your sister: Just ask her. The ratio of gifts that she’s returned to the gifts that she’s kept almost isn’t a ratio because you can’t put zero in the denominator without your calculator blowing up. Tell her to send you a link, write a nice card and get a “people who purchased this also purchased” sidecar for the gift. That way you’ll be 1-to-1 on the keeps-to-returns. Hopefully. Check it off the list.

For your brother: He wants pot or scotch. You’ll have to get something to throw your parents off the scent…so make it cheap but memorable. Then give him his real gift when you have to duck outside at family dinner because Grandpa starts admiring/campaigning for Ben Carson…he’s a Doctor you know. Now it’s a gift for the both of you. Check it off the list.

For your significant other: I can’t help you. You can’t help yourself. You’ve been so concentrated on Fallout 4 that you haven’t heard a damn word she’s said to you in weeks. You’re gonna have to ask her friends, and that’s embarrassing…because they know how much Fallout you’ve been playing. It’s all your girlfriend talks about. You should probably just break up. Do the right thing. She deserves better. You deserve less. Check it off the list.

For your bocce friends: Make sure you get them a good old fashioned ass whooping. They’re gonna try to get you the same thing. But remember, Christmas is about winning. And you’re a winner.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Safe Rolling.

Dave Sartoris is a Chicago comedian. You can see him Thursday, December 17th at The Store (8 PM) and Monday, January 18th when he hosts Vault Comedy at The Bedford.

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