Commissioner’s Corner: The 63% Point of the Season Awards

We’re at that classic 63% point of the season where the PER algorithm on the website starts to work and Alex spends twelve straight hours inputting made-up stats and drinking Trader Joe’s wine. We couldn’t let this season go one day longer without some in-depth analysis, predictions, superlatives, and Beard awards (as in face fuzz, not fussy food). If you’re in the Monday night league, you know you’re apart of something special. If you’re not – read this and wonder why your trivia MC/lead geek at book club/netflix account doesn’t love you as much as I love my bocce players.

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Storylines from our Dead of Winter League

1. The Changing of the Guard: For eight straight seasons I’ve been the referee meat between Matt and Ben—the two whitest pieces of ref bread you’ve ever met. Matt has been helping develop the Mad River league lately and Ben is breaking the Guinness Book of World Record by consuming 90 straight all-you-can-eat-buffets aboard five consecutive Australian cruise ships. You all know Alicia and Scott. If you haven’t taken the time to meet Dan, Renee, and Jamie, please do. Two out of three of them take bribes. The other one is out there just guessing any way.

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2. Bocce’s First Dynasty?: We had never had back-to-back bocce championships until last season. And then it happened twice. While Snakes on a Lane have asserted themselves as the team to beat on Mondays, the del Bocce Vista boys were busy cleaning up consecutive titles in other leagues. dBV’s transition into Mondays has been a bit shaky, but they control their own destiny while still in control of a wild card spot. The Snakes continue to dominate with the best overall record in the league.

3. Outside Looking In: If the playoffs started today, Deboccery and Wispy Danglers would not be in! Both teams have been constants in our playoffs with the Danglers advancing to multiple championships and Deboccery holding the overall #1 seed last season. Let’s see if they can make a late season push and not let their fan(s) down.

Odds and Awards

Championship Frontrunners w/ Odds

  • Snakes on a Lane – 5/2
  • Frankenstein’s Wet Dream – 7/1
  • Bocce Has a Great Personality – 7/1
  • Joanie <3’s Bocce – 8/1
  • Oxtail’s Army – 11/1
  • del Bocce Vista – 12/1
  • Boccekawowwow – 15/1
  • Bocce Better Have my $$$ – 199/1

MVP Frontrunners w/ Odds

  • Craig Glover – Snakes on a Lane – 4/1
  • Scott Sanville – FWD 6/1
  • Jeff Pfeiffer – del Bocce Vista – 8/1
  • Nick Neu – Bocce Has a Great Personality – 10/1
  • John Stallings – Boccekawowwow – 10/1
  • Ashley Eetikal – Frankenstein’s Wet Dream – 15/1

Rookie of the Year Frontrunners

  1. Beth Hermes – Moscow Mondays
  2. Anders Lindseth – Fool House
  3. Aaron Gang – The Big Labocces

Players Trending Up ^^^

  1. Joe Ramirez – Menace II Bocce
  2. John Palys – Mr. Boccedere
  3. Fran Noyes – Hot Cheetos & Bocces

American Bocce Co 1st Annual Beard Awards (because we have a lot of good ones in this league)

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  • The You Took The Wrong Turn Along the Kankakee and Now You’re Fucked Best Beard: Eric Clarke, Wispy Danglers
  • The Appropriate Level of Scruff for a Hootie Show Best Beard: Scott Koehler, Snakes on a Lane
  • The Can’t Spell Beard Without Bear Award: TIE! Joe Ramirez, Menace II Bocce and Michael Anthony, Bocce Better Have My $$$
  • The Charismatic Cult Leader Best Beard: Jimmy Sisto, Balls Models
  • The Hate to See You Go Award: James Adam, Indigenous Yeast

Prop Bets

  • Odds the winning team of this season will be playing bocce on a cruise ship in 2016 – 6/1
  • Odds we find out after the season that Joanie didn’t actually ❤ Bocce Ballers, they were just young and confused – 8/1
  • Odds a bocce outbreak occurs if Indigenous Yeast and Wispy Danglers accidentally touch each other’s balls – 10/1
  • Odds Bocce Better Have my $$$ plays Boccme Nae Nae in a battle for who’s team name will be irrelevant in a year – 15/1
  • Odds Fool House shows up without their team uniform one day and subsequently does not ‘do their best’ – 20/1
  • O/U on cheese puns I’d make on a Hot Cheetos & Bocces vs. Casino Royale with Cheese game? 4.5

Examples?

  • “I know both of these teams fromages ago!”
  • “I’ll have to clean the court up after that explosive shot. Da brie is everywhere.”
  • “Keep your drinks off the floor in queso flying balls.”
  • “I camembert the tension in this game!”

Leaders and Standings

PER Top 20

1. Craig Glover – Snakes on a Lane 35

2 Scott Sanville – FWD 31.9

3 Brian Webb – Hot Cheetos & Bocces 30

4. Fran Noyes – Hot Cheetos & Bocces 28.1

5. Joe Ramirez – Menace II Bocce 27

6. Keith Kofoed – FWD 26.9

7. Nick Neu – Personality 26.7

8. Ashley Eetickal – FWD 26.6

T9. Charlie Clough – Boccekawowwow 25.5

T9. Kevin Wood – Indigenous Yeast 25.5

11. Kyle Schiber – Snakes on a Lane 25.3

12. Renee Briglio – Joanie 24.7

T13. Visor Mike – Oxtail’s Army 24

T13. Daniel Morrow – Casino Royale 24

15. Monica Siggelkov – Personality 23.8

T16. Kevin McKibbin – Boccekawowwow 23.1

T16. Elliott Robinson – Hot Cheetos & Bocces 23.1

18. Lydia Willis – FWD 22.9

19. Mike Anthony – Bocce Better Have My $$$ – 22.7

20. Jeff Pfeiffer – del Bocce Vista 22.4

Standings: Earle Ethan Burrrrrrrrrd

1. Frankensteins Wet Dream – 7-1 +36

2. Oxtails Army – 6-2 +39

3. Menace II Bocce – 5-3 +24

4. Boccekawowwow – 5-3 +6

5. Bocce Better Have my $$$ – 4-4 +6

6. Deboccery 4-4 +5

7. Tonsil Bocce – 4-4 -2

8. The Big Labocces – 3-5 -16

9. Donatella Verbocce – 3-5 -21

10. Moscow Mondays – 2-6 -13

11. Boccme Nae Nae – 2-6 -32

12. Ballsagna2.0hh – 1-7 -46

Standings: Freaks Come Out

1. Snakes on a Lane 7-1 +52

2. Bocce Has a Great Personality 7-1 +44

3. Joanie <3s Bocce Ballers 7-1 +37

4. del Bocce Vista 4-4 +15

5. Hot Cheetos and Bocces 4-4 +11

6. Casino Royale w/ Cheese 4-4 +4

T7. Wispy Danglers 4-4 -11

T8. Mr. Boccedere 4-4 -11

9. Balls Models 3-5 -29

10. Indigenous Yeast 3-5 -21

11. Whiskey Balls 2-6 -33

12. Fool House 0-8 -38

**Top 3 from each division advance. The 4/5 seed in each division play a play-in game to decide who advances to the playoffs. Everyone else plays in a second playoff bracket. The prizes are dope.

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