Commissioner’s Corner: Seeing Red

“We got into an argument over the color of love. I said it was pink, and he said it was red. So you see, I had no other choice but to stab him.”  – Jarod Kintz

This Monday we will be celebrating the Lunar New Year while we bocc’. We’ve teamed up with our friends at Tiger Beer and we’re going to be accenting our normal league night with a celebration of the color red, the year of the monkey, and good luck and fortune.

We’re imploring you to dress up. Wear red. Wear silk cheongsams. Wear a monkey costume. We’ll give out special prizes for participation!

In case you forget what color to celebrate, I will be ingraining the imagery of red in your brains with today’s blog. Expect a litany of dumb puns and random analysis as we look at the playoff picture and the last week of the regular season.


The Playoff Picture

The Red-Carpet Treatment – You did it! Rest your wrists, give the dusters on the end of your bench some PT, take bribes, or play drunk(er) because you three teams are A LOCK for making the playoffs and avoiding the wild-card play in game.

  • Snakes on a Lane
  • Frankenstein’s Wet Dream
  • Joanie <3’s Bocce Ballers

Al….most…..there…. (You’re a lock for a wild-card game at worst. Win one game and you’re in the top 3.)

  • Bocce Has a Great Personality

Red-letter Days – Congratulations on having the most meaningful games this Monday. You’re not in, but you’re not out!

More In Then Out

  • Boccekawowwow
  • Oxtail’s Army
  • Deboccery
  • Menace II Bocce
  • Mr. Boccedere
  • del Bocce Vista

You’ll Have to Get Through Some Red Tape First 

  • Tonsil Bocce
  • Wispy Danglers
  • Bocce Better Have My $$$
  • The Big Labocces
  • Donatella Verbocce
  • Casino Royale with Cheese
  • Hot Cheetos and Bocces
  • Whiskey Balls
  • Balls Models

Aint Worth a Red Cent – Hey, there’s no shame in winning the toilet bowl bracket.

  • Moscow Mondays
  • Bocceme Nae Nae
  • Indigenous Yeast
  • Ballsagna2.0hh
  • Fool House

Complete Standings

Earle Leroy B-b-b-b-bird 

1. Frankensteins Wet Dream – 9-1 +52

2. Boccekawowwow – 7-3 +18

T3. Oxtails Army – 6-4 +26

T3. Deboccery 6-4 +26

5. Menace II Bocce – 6-4 +7

6. Tonsil Bocce – 5-5 +8

7. Bocce Better Have my $$$ – 4-6 -14

8. The Big Labocces – 4-6 -18

9. Donatella Verbocce – 4-6 -19

10. Moscow Mondays – 3-7 -10

11. Boccme Nae Nae – 3-7 -30

12. Ballsagna2.0hh – 2-8 -55

Freaks Come Out

1. Snakes on a Lane 9-1 +66

2. Joanie <3s Bocce Ballers 9-1 +47

3. Bocce Has a Great Personality 8-2 +45

4. Mr. Boccedere 6-4 +8

5. del Bocce Vista 5-5 +4

6. Wispy Danglers 5-5 -5

7. Casino Royale w/ Cheese 4-6 +1

8.Hot Cheetos and Bocces 4-6 –

9. Whiskey Balls 4-6 -7

10. Balls Models 4-6 -21

11. Indigenous Yeast 3-7 -39

12. Fool House 0-10 -49

**Top 3 from each division advance. The 4/5 seed in each division play a play-in game to decide who advances to the playoffs. Everyone else plays in a second playoff bracket. The prizes are dope**

Red Hots! PER TOP 25 

1. Craig Glover – Snakes on a Lane 36.72

2 Scott Sanville – FWD 31.35

3 Keith Kofoed – FWD 26.96

4. Ashley Eetickal – FWD 26.72

5. Kyle Schiber – Snakes on a Lane 26.52

6. John Stallings – Boccekawowwow 24.88

7. Brian Webb – Hot Cheetos & Bocces 24.85

8. Renee Briglio – Joanie <3s Bocce Ballers 24.84

9. Nick Neu – Personality 24.45

10. Fran Noyes – Hot Cheetos & Bocces 23.97

11. Visor Mike – Oxtail’s Army 23.56

12. Nick Leonard – Deboccery 23.36

13. Kevin McKibbin – Boccekawowwow 23.08

14. Monica Siggelkov – Personality 22.17

15. Vince Sanchez – Boccekawowwow 22.02

16. Jay Rosenblum – Deboccery 21.85

17. Lydia Willis – FWD 21.74

T18. Jeff Pfeiffer – del Bocce Vista – 21.62

T18. Michael Snow – Tonsil Bocce 21.62

20. Scott Koehler – Snakes on a Lane 21.42

21. Daniel Morrow – Casino Royale w Cheese 21.35

22. Joe Ramirez – Menace II Bocce 21.15

23. Sarah Fanto – Deboccery 21.13

T24. Jamie Brigio – Joanie <3s Bocce 20.83

T24. Drew Rodriguez – Bocce Better Have my $$$ – 20.83

Red States! 

In 1976, NBC debuted the red state / blue state color scheme on it’s election map. Red denoted republicans and blue democrats. The color choice came down to the advanced metrics of… “natural association”. With the upcoming election, politics are certainly at the forefront of the public’s attention. And there’s no way to demand attention then to split a nation in two. As a needy only child who is always looking for more attention on his bocce leagues I’m left with no other choice than to split our bocce nation in two. Behold my 5 Reddest Teams and my 5 Bluest Teams (based on conservative vs. liberal approaches to the game)

Red Teams

  1. Bocce Has a Great Personality
  2. Boccekawowwow
  3. Snakes on a Lane
  4. Frankenstein’s Wet Dream
  5. Deboccery

Blue Teams 

  1. Wispy Danglers
  2. Menace II Bocce
  3. Tonsil Bocce
  4. Indigenous Yeast
  5. Bocce Better Have my $$$

The take: 

  • You don’t have to have a conservative name to have a conservative approach. Frankenstein’s Wet Dream and Bocce Has a Great Personality are both prototypes for bocce conservatism but what would their team mascots look like?
  • WAOWMD? (What would an old white man do?): Maybe whisper that to yourself right before you toss. The combined winning percentage of the conservative tossers is .780 compared to a  .480 for my blue ballers! Bernie excluded.
  • If two conservative teams play each other, the better team will almost always win. If a conservative teams plays an inferior liberal team, the liberal team introduces an element of chaos and luck that increases their chances to upset the favorite. If you’re outmatched, play a little looser.
  • A majority of the ‘swing teams’ (the 14 teams not listed) have one player that offsets a generally conservative approach. Every lineup needs a big bat in the middle of it.

The Scarlet Letter 

In this case, we’re talking about the letter ‘Z’ for zero. As in zero trips to the championship. As a diehard and pathetic Detroit Lions fan I’m even giving you a pass for reaching the ‘ship (Danglers, Kurt’s teams, Cheetos, the Ballers half of Joanie <3s Bocce Ballers). This one clearly goes out to one of ABC/WPBC’s original 6:

  1. Deboccery       😦

American Beauty Company 

When we rebranded last year we were largely considering different color schemes for the company. Two color combos were kicked around. We were dangerously close to blue. Ben probably wanted orange (pronounced ahh-ranj). But we landed on red. Just red. So when we celebrate the Lunar New Year this Monday, it’s not just an excuse for a theme night – it truly is a celebration of good luck and good fortune for the company, the sport, and every single person involved in this special community that we’ve created together.

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