Scott is in tears. Keith rests his gentle but lumbering arm across Scott’s neck and says, “It’s ok, Scotty. There’s always next year.” The year is 2019 and The Mighty Mighty Boston Toss Stones just swept the Chicago Let The Bocces Hit The Floor in the American Bocce League’s first ever National Championship. The Toss Stones walk over to Big Star, drink too many margaritas, and forget if their staying at the Hyatt Regency or the Park Hyatt. They spilt up. The two who were carrying the trophy end up sleeping in the lobby of the Hyatt Regency (of course it was the Park Hyatt – ABC doesn’t skimp on lodging) and wake up with sugary migraines and a missing trophy. Scott is suspected of larceny, kicked out of the league and stripped of his awards and honors. This is how Craig Glover finally wins his unlawfully overdue first MVP. This is also the first episode of Serial season 5. In the meantime, here are your awards and honors from the 2016 Dead of Winter Chop Shop Mondays League:
PER TOP 25 (It’s a Wet Dream Parade!)
- Craig Glover – Ssssssnakes- 32.09
- Scott Sanville – FWD – 30.45
- Keith Kofoed – FWD – 27.86
- Charlie Clough – Boccekawowwow – 27.29
- Ashley Eettickal – FWD – 26.73
- Lydia Willis – FWD – 25.56
- Kevin Mckibbln – Boccekawowwow – 25.38
- Renee Briglio – Joanie <3s – 25.22
- Kyle Schiber – Ssssssnakes – 25.09
- John Stallings – Boccekawowwow – 24.88
- Nick Leonard – Deboccery – 24.04
- Mario Catayong – Oxtail’s Army – 23.88
- Jeff Pfeiffer – del Bocce Vista 23.59
- Drew Rodriguez – Bocce Has a Great Personality – 23.58
- Francesca Noyes – Hot Cheetos & Bocces – 23.33
- Kevin Mclaughlin – Boccekawowwow – 23
- Visor Mike – Oxtail’s Army – 22.93
- Nick Neu – Bocce Has a Great Personality – 22.8
- Monica Sigglkov – Bocce Has a Great Personality – 22.7
- Vince Sanchez – Boccekawowwow – 22.02
- Tony Glover – Whiskey Balls 21.89
- Jay Rosenblum – Deboccery – 21.72
- Jamie Briglio – Joanie <3s – 21.01
- Vanessa Garippo – Joanie <3s – 20.96
- Scott Koehler – Ssssssnakes – 20.86
All Bocce 1st Team
- Craig Glover – Snakes on a Lane
- Scott Sanville – FWD
- Keith Kofoed – FWD
- Monica Siggelkov – Bocce Has a Great Personality
All Bocce 2nd Team
- Jeff Pfeiffer – del Bocce Vista
- Kyle Schiber – Snakes on a Lane
- Renee Briglio – Joanie <3’s Bocce
- Nick Leonard – Deboccery
All Bocce 3rd Team
- Lydia Willis – FWD
- Nick Neu – Bocce Has a Great Personality
- Michael Snow – Tonsil Bocce
- Vanessa Garippo – Joanie <3’s Bocce
Rising Stars Team
- Kevin McLaughlin – Boccekawowwow
- Beth Hermes – Moscow Mondays
- Dan Spomer – Whiskey Balls
- John Palys – Mr. Boccedere
Dunk Contest Champion
- Elliott Robinson – Hot Cheetos & Bocces
Hot Shot Kings and Queens
They did their best all season. The results? The first ever 0-12 season in ABC history!
- Jonathan Kahler – Foolhouse
- Pedro Mascorro – Foolhouse
- Sam Hogan -Foolhouse
- Anders Lindseth – Foolhouse
Alex’s Love/Hate List
Bocce Has a Great Personality’s Costume Game – After running away with the ‘best dressed’ prize at our Halloween Party last season, BHaGP set the bar even higher with a bevy of elaborate costumes at our Chinese New Year’s Party this week. Keep dressing up and we’ll keep giving you beer.
Big Upsets – While Moscow Mondays and The Big Labocces fell short of the playoffs in their rookie campaigns they did make a splash in the regular season with upset victories over FWD and Snakes. The two newcomers handed the past champions two out of their combined three losses and showed a sign of good things to come in future seasons.
Losing with a Smile – Cellar dwellers Foolhouse and Balls Models didn’t set the world on fire with their bocce play, but goddamn did they have fun out there! Both teams brought a lot of energy and good vibes and encompassed the spirit of a social bocce league. Somebody has to lose, and if those somebodies are still going to be a pleasure to be around, then we’re glad it was you. (But still rooting for an uptick next season.)
Bocce and Fernet – Have you seen the official bar uniforms of bocce nights at Chop Shop yet? That’s funny, because that’s all we care about, too.
Kind of Love / Kind of Hate
Tonsil Bocce In / Menace II Bocce Out – One of our all-time favorite teams sneaks in on point differential and one of our all-time favorite teams loses their last four games and collapses out of the playoff picture. Lots of mixed emotions there. We’ve made no secret of being #teamtonsilbocce on this blog and are quite excited for their opportunity in the playoffs this season! But poor Meance II! Bahhhh it’s time to move on from this one!
Close Games – In a twelve game season, a lot can ride on a ‘down-and-back’ or a game decided by one or two points. While a glance at the end-of-season standings suggests mostly chalk at the top, you dig a little deeper and you’ll see that good seasons and bad seasons can be defined by one or two extra rotations of a ball. After reviewing the regular season, I found that the teams who thrived in close matches were Boccekawowwow and Joanie <3’s Bocce Ballers. Ironically, Boccekawowwoww handed Joanie their only loss of the year in a one-point game but Joanie still finished 5-1 in close games. The teams that didn’t fair as well were Donatella Verbocce and Hot Cheetos and Bocces. Donatella once lost 3 consecutive games by one point!
Small Sample Size – Your PER is now a cumulative statistic based on lifetime play. I hate that I can’t input past statistics and have a better idea of your career stats. What you’re left with is only a 12-game sample size of your gameplay. Above all else PERs honor winning and that is why nine out of the top ten players are represented by only three (strong) teams. I’m looking forward to seeing who sustains excellence.
22.5 Losing Teams – I used to get super excited for playoff night but lately I’ve learned my lesson. It’s the only week of the season where players genuinely feel bummed about losing. I’ve seen too many teams storm out after an L to get my hopes too high for this week. Sure, it’s all about being social and having a good time – until it’s not! I give the winners of the toilet bowl bracket a .5 victory here.